


Confessions of a Mass-Murdering Zealot

by DeltaBlade



Category: Ori and the Blind Forest
Genre: Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:36:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28074816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeltaBlade/pseuds/DeltaBlade
Summary: Zar reaches out to his father for guidance, unsure of how to atone for his sins...(takes place just after the events of "Guardians of Niwen")
Kudos: 9





	Confessions of a Mass-Murdering Zealot

The ashen remains of a long-lost village lay before Zar, the one-eyed spirit. He came here regularly, filled with regret each and every time, for this was his work.

This was a moki village that he had destroyed.

Ended. Burned to a crisp. With his father's light, his gift, he had laid waste to lives and livelihoods alike, all right here. Specifically, it had been a trading hub for moki and chameleons...and he'd personally orphaned many of both.

"I want to take it back," he whimpered. "It means absolutely nothing...but I want to take it back-"

His voice cracked and he broke into tears.

"I do!" he cried. "Why can't that just be enough?!"

He wore a cloak of darkened leaves and grass over himself, and he wasn't even sure why anymore; he just knew that he wanted to start hiding his glow. In a painful way, he was ashamed of what he was...what he'd done…

In the distance, he saw a pair of moki scrounging away at the scraps, scavenging what they could. The sight was so pitiful. He imagined himself approaching them and giving the little one a hug...then he snapped out it...that would be wrong...that would be _so_ wrong! He started backing away, disappearing into the undergrowth. This wasn't healthy, and he knew it. He had to stop coming here, yet couldn't...as though purposely punishing himself.

 _There I go again._ he thought. _Trying to give rise to yet more symbolic punishment...what is_ wrong _with me?!..."_

He couldn't keep this up: it wasn't helping. He needed assistance. He needed an outside voice.

 **.** **.** **.**

"I got blood on your branches the other day," said Zar. "I...came to apologize…"

_...Apology accepted…_

The sky was cloudy and grey, and the one-eyed spirit stood near a cliff; it wasn't very high up, but it still had a clear view of his father off in the distance. This was by design, as he was afraid that if he'd chosen a higher cliff, he'd make himself jump off.

_...But that's not really why you're here...is it?..._

Zar shed another tear.

"...No father..."

He meekly adjusted his cloak.

"Seekers are alone," said Zar. "That's what you said, no?"

... _Indeed...but currently you have chosen not to be...is there a reason?..._

"I...I-I can't figure it out on my own, father! I just can't! I don't understand! There can be reparations for what I've done, maybe even forgiveness...but there is no redemption!"

He took some steps forward towards the distant, towering perennial.

"I've come to ask how, father?" he asked. "How?! How am I meant to truly redeem myself?! I killed thousands in your name...someone I blindly believed to be perfect! I burned their homes, and I slaughtered families! All because I wanted them to kneel...to pay for a crime they'd never even committed…"

_...Don't you feel bad about it?..._

"...Of course!..."

_...Then you are on the right path…_

"That doesn't help me!"

_...No one said this would be easy…_

Zar could only stare blankly at him.

_...no one can undo the past, Zar...Believe me, even I wished I could...so many times...but it is impossible...You cannot undo what has been done..._

"I know that already!" said Zar indignantly. "But what else can I do when what's been done is unfixable?!"

 _...Well, you tell me..._ is _it unfixable?...Or can something still be done?..._

"...No...Nothing could ever fix any of it…maybe partially, but what use is that?..."

_...half-fixing something is still better than leaving it broken…_

"What kind of advice is that?!"

_...You know this isn't entirely about the villages...this is about you..._

He was right, this was about him. But did the forest's inhabitants really care about whether or not he changed?

"Would those I've hurt truly bat an eye if I changed my ways?" asked Zar. "Are they all so...forgiving?..."

The one-eyed spirit found himself looking down at his own paws, once tools of wanton destruction, before looking back up at his father.

"Tell me about the lightless creature who raised you," said Zar. "Tell me about _her."_

_...It was the first three months of my life, but I'll never forget it...I had a mother...and I was happy...the reason that I can forgive is all thanks to her...the few times I ever misbehaved, acted selfishly...stole from her...she would always respond with patience, and a firm tone...making me change my ways by simply making it obvious that she was disappointed in me...I learned to dislike making her feel that way..._

All of that hit close to home. Father _was_ being very patient with him, which made Zar realize something.

"You're disappointed in me," he said. "Aren't you?"

_...Worse actually...I am ashamed of you…_

Zar shut his eye. It was as though he'd been punched in the stomach...and deserved it.

_...and you are very much aware...this is at the core of what is eating away at you…_

"I've served you my whole life...thinking I was protecting you, only to find out that I've been hurting you! I don't want to make it seem like I don't care about the countless families I've hurt, but...I can't shake the fact that this is about just the two of us, and I hate myself for it!"

_...At the heart of the pain you've caused for so many...is the pain within you..._

The one-eyed spirit stayed quiet.

... _You seek forgiveness...but can you forgive yourself?..._

"I don't know, father," said Zar.

_...You know what must be done...and not everyone for whom you'll do it will show appreciation...in fact, many will show the opposite...but many who have done what you have do not confess regret…_

Zar began to shed tears again, saturating the leaf he wore as an eyepatch.

_...I don't claim to know all dark creatures...but I do know that my mother would want you to forgive yourself...she and many others would want to see you change...and I care too..._

This made him look up from the stone beneath his hooves, opening his eye and staring at his father once more. He was distant, yet felt so close, and that presence only kept coming closer.

_...Believe me: if I didn't care, I wouldn't be talking to you right now...son, I want to show you something…_

"Wh-what...is it, father?"

_...A divine truth...something to help ease your pain...your guilt…_

Zar then waited, feeling his father's warmth invisibly wrap around him. Then suddenly, he no longer felt sad or guilty, as if those emotions were no longer a part of him, but just something to...observe. Any and all emotions, thoughts, even his physical body felt as though they had all fallen away, like snowflakes, and what remained was beyond joy: it was...bliss...peaceful, all-pervading bliss. It was what his father had told him about before: it was the light...and it wasn't just up in the tree, it was in the tree, and in the roots, and in the grass, and in the water...in the very air he breathed, and it was within himself and every other creature, spirit guardians, moki, and everything in-between, whether inanimate or not. Everything had always been connected. Everything was one...all along there was only oneness...he just couldn't see it until now.

Then suddenly, he was back. Back in his body, and back to experiencing only the duality he had been so familiar with. He hadn't even moved. He was still kneeling on the rocky surface, clutching his grassy, leafy cloak, but what had been seen could not be unseen. He now knew the truth underlying it all.

_...All along...you've only been hurting yourself…_

Zar could only whimper at what he'd felt. Time had become irrelevant, if not for a moment, and he could experience the past and all possible futures at once. He'd witnessed their lives as though he were the same person...because he _was_ the same person! Yet, somehow it had made him feel relieved. He wasn't sure why until the Spirit Tree verbalized it for him.

_...Nothing good that you do is entirely your doing...and neither is anything bad that you've done entirely your fault…_

"It's not chaos," said Zar. "It's...a cosmos…everything that happens...happens for a reason..."

 _...Precisely...Don't let the old you control your present...for the past is not your true self.._. _It matters not what you have done...only how you act moving forward…_

The wind had started blowing, and Zar had only just noticed. Finally, he felt that he could relinquish his shroud. He let a strong gust pull the cloak off of him, carrying it away like the burden that had been lifted off of his metaphorical chest.

"...I understand, father," Zar breathed as gentle tears of joy began to roll down his face. "I understand now...thank you!..."

 **.** **.** **.**

Zar sat near the cliff for a long time, feeling only gratitude, and thinking about what he'd say to the other spirits when he returned. Maybe he wouldn't have to say anything? They all seemed quite forgiving before, but perhaps that's because they, too, wanted to undo the damage they'd helped him cause? His opportunity to speak to a spirit would come much sooner than expected however, as he began to hear hoofsteps approaching from behind. There were two, and the fear and anger exuded from one of their auras were painfully apparent. It was too strong to not be from another spirit guardian: he knew exactly who it was behind him.

"You killed me," said Fir. "Then you hurt her...and then killed her! You knew we were bonded and you still did it!"

His voice was shaky, and he was barely holding onto reason, but Zar stayed quiet.

"I don't know-" Fir's voice cracked and he lost his words for a moment. "I don't know if I can forgive you...not yet at least...and I'm still so...MAD...at you… ***sniff*** "

"I know," his Elder said finally. "I would be, too...my vengeance toward dark creatures led me to attack my own...and nothing about it was okay."

He could feel the tension in Fir's aura loosen up a bit. He may not have been expecting Zar's tone to be so reserved.

"It...may not mean anything to you...but I take full responsibility for what I've done," said Zar. "I take full ownership of my mistake, and...as undeserving as I may be...I am ready to make amends."

Fir just crossed his arms. He was still unsure, and the tone in his voice betrayed the same emotion.

"O-kay?" he said. "How so?"

Still sitting down, Zar turned to face him, seeing that Keo had been the spirit accompanying him.

"Go find the son of Grom," he continued. "Tell him to gather the finest builders that he knows...we're going to rebuild the villages that I destroyed."

"Why?" asked Fir, nodding his head towards the Spirit Tree. "Is it what he wants you to do?"

"...No," said Zar before making eye-contact and smiling. "It's what _I_ want to do."

 **.** **.** **.**

** Theoretical Voice-Acting Cast (in order of appearance): **

Zar: Dermot Mulroney

Spirit Tree: Erik Braa

Fir: Dave Franco

 **.** **.** **.**

**A/N: I let SeasonGrey know that I made one more fanfic about his character, though he doesn't really seem to log in on DeviantArt anymore (and again, I have no other contact info), but I wanted to make this one-off to complete Zar's redemption arc (and as an apology for kinda just...turning him into the villain in the first place [*sheepishly rubs back of head*]).**

**This took me a while to make because there really isn't any action, or romance, or characters getting physically hurt (all of which are scenes I truly enjoy writing, if you hadn't already guessed), thus it felt kinda boring to do. But again, I** _ **had**_ **to make it as a way to somewhat make up for my initially unintended jerk-move.**

**I tried incorporating some of the eastern philosophy that I grew up with, specifically this Hindu/Vedantic concept of oneness: that there is this substratum of energy upon which all things can exist, but we can only see things as different from each other until you reach a state of what you might know as "Nirvana". I figured a game featuring immortal orbs of light could have some connection.**

**In any case, I hope you all enjoyed! Especially the part where Zar gets to attain that self-realization for a short time, courtesy of Ori and Seir! ;)**

**Let me know what you think in the comments below, and stay tuned for a sequel to "Guardians of Niwen", which takes place not too long after the events in this fic!**


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